Generosity: An Enhancement

"Freely given and freely received; freely bestowed and freely embraced. This is the way of love. For love never forces itself upon another, nor obligates another to accept what love gives. And love gives hopeful that the gift will be received and appreciated, but with no thought or expectation of getting something in return."

(For K, who was stuck on having to buy Christmas gifts.)

Well, it's officially Winter here, and my poor car has survived its first-ever winter weather accident. Unemployment is less than a week away, but we who were left behind have heavily medicated ourselves with baked goods and mirth.

The winter holidays are traditionally a time of generosity. The giving of gifts to family and friends, and the sharing of wealth and self with those less fortunate, can add meaning and pleasure to the holidays. But as with so many things that have become ritualized, something that is expected is never quite as pleasurable as something that is spontaneous.

The phrase 'freely given' has come to my mind several times this holiday season. I had thought that phrase to be pagan in origin, but googling it produces results that are largely Christian in context. The origin of the phrase is perhaps less important than the idea it conveys - there is something better about, if not critical to, the notion of giving when the giving is done without the expectation of something in return.

Too often acts of generosity come with the expectation of a reward of some kind: recognition, or reciprocation in kind. We have Christmas gift exchanges where we set limits on what can be given so that no one feels cheated by the exchange, and perhaps also so that no one feels overly prideful about the exchange. We stress equality because we do not give and receive freely.

There is perhaps no more incompatible worldview for the future of humanism than the one that treats everything as a potential medium of exchange. Human beings revolt at the idea that certain things can/should be bought, sold, or traded instead of freely given. That response may be irrational in light of evidence that anything really can be bought, sold, or traded, but it is fundamentally human to want to give. Spontaneously doing/giving something to make another person happy or in response to a genuine need feels good. Why should this be?

Why do people who donate blood without receiving compensation stop doing so when plans are revealed to charge patients for the freely-donated blood? Why does nothing kill genuine desire like the expectation of having to put out? Why does giving feel better than a commercial exchange? Why does the TSO song Old City Bar always bring tears to my eyes?

Of course the flip side to giving freely is receiving freely, without attempting to 'clear the debt' of the giver's gift. It's difficult, for example, to take a compliment without feeling obligated to return it. As a society we have evolved a whole set of unspoken rules about the expected reciprocity of giving. One of my favorite examples of this unspoken expectation of reciprocity is the persistent idea that "the cost of a wedding gift should equal the the cost of the guest's meal." (That one kept me from going to a wedding once; the bride had been very explicit about how much the dinner was costing.)

Or the third date rule. (sigh)

If there's an enhancement to be made to our notions of 'giving' and 'generosity', let it be that what we give, we give freely, without expectation of something in return. What we have been given, we receive freely, without being put under obligation. It's not always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes you have given so much that you can't help but feel as though you are owed something. But you move from 'giving' to 'trading' only when the terms of the exchange are spelled out before the exchange takes place.

In the absence of such terms, what you have been given is a gift. Take it freely, without obligation.

Right Before Your Eyes

"What is for sure is I'm gonna to go
I'm gonna to live and I'm going to learn"

They say that self-knowledge is the key to enlightenment. And there's nothing like a major life change for pushing you to answer the questions 'Who am I?' and 'What do I want?'. Imminent unemployment has pushed my coworkers and I to answer these questions in concrete terms.

It's fascinating to watch the process of self-discovery unfold. And for all the power that self-knowledge puts at your disposal, it's amazing how little of it some people have. Which leads me to a few questions - Do other people always know your better than you know yourself? Are we built to hide certain truths from ourselves about who we are, in favor of certain ideals that we've been programmed to believe in? If so, how well can the process of self-discovery take place in isolation?

I'm continuing to struggle with being honest about who I am and what I want. I've always thought - and to a certain extent still do think - that there were certain things I had to do, and certain things that it was better to be. In the past, I've had a hard time identifying what I really wanted to do because I couldn't ignore what I thought I had to do. If I'm willing to take the trouble to carefully identify what I believe, shouldn't I be as honest as possible in identifying what I believe about myself too?

Who am I?

• INTJ - The Mastermind. (I can hear your laughter.) "Although they are highly capable leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once they take charge, however, they are thoroughgoing pragmatists...." "Masterminds do not feel bound by established rules and procedures, and traditional authority does not impress them, nor do slogans or catchwords. Only ideas that make sense to them are adopted; those that don't, aren't, no matter who thought of them. Remember, their aim is always maximum efficiency." "Problem-solving is highly stimulating to Masterminds, who love responding to tangled systems that require careful sorting out. Ordinarily, they verbalize the positive and avoid comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an organization forward than dwelling on mistakes of the past." [Disclosure: The 'I' and the 'N' are solid; the 'T' and the 'J' are closer to the middle of the spectrum.]
• I thrive on challenge, but I refuse to have the same fight over and over again.
• I enjoy being creative. I especially enjoy being creative in response to challenge.

What do I want?

This is where things get more difficult. I've never had a clear goal about where I wanted to end up in life. Do I want to be a published writer/public speaker? Do I want to spend my days blissfully solving problems in an ivory tower somewhere? Or do I want to be on the front lines, taking on important issues and making a difference in real-time?

For eight years I thought that there was something that I had to say. In the process of saying it, I was surprised to discover that there was something else that I wanted to say. Over the last year or two, I've become less attached to the idea that I had to be a scientist, and more comfortable with the idea that I could do something equally important by establishing groundbreaking precedents and arguments in the field of cognitive liberty.

I'm still in the process of gathering information. (Thanks to B and M for independently pushing 'leadership'!) In terms of practical moves, I'm looking at what it takes to get an agent and/or a publishing deal for The Book. (The good news is that I have a good start on having a marketable 'platform'.) I'm also looking at gaining some experience in a legal environment to see if I have what it takes to be a lawyer. (I'm guessing it's more than just an exceptional ability to formulate razor-sharp arguments. ;)

And no worries - this blog will resume its regular schedule of philosophical musings.

A Vindication of Love (Pt II)

Some more thoughts on love, expressed in quotes...


"Sensible people are not inspired people. Sensible people, in fact, are often shortsighted people. They cannot penetrate into the secrets of the universe... To see into the core of things, you have to be transported. You have to be in love."

"In order to be inflamed intellectually, we need to be enlisted emotionally. In the absence of emotional engagement, most people do not interrogate themselves about topics for which there is no immediate or pragmatic urgency... Love makes us explore. Love makes us blaze through new subjects and new cultures; it makes us hatch new visions."



"The love between the two thinkers was not exclusive, but inclusive. It asked. It comprehended. It cherished. And it survived."

"The two philosophers began by identifying the truths about each other and ended by identifying the truths about their time."



"It is curious that only those incapable of producing great work believe that the contrary is the proper conduct: to take science, art, or politics seriously and disdain love affairs as mere frivolities."

"They knew that, far from representing an act of weakness or docility, women's love - like men's - is a struggle. It is conquest and self-conquest. Far from proving incompatible with a muscular intellectual life, it is its natural counterpart. Strong thoughts engender strong emotions. A woman accustomed to reasoning for herself is unlikely to leave courting, desiring, sacrificing, swaggering, or indeed self-dramatization to the opposite sex. She is unlikely to shrink from a fight."



"Love, for the strong-hearted and strong-minded woman, is a game like all others - albeit perhaps the most important game."

"We had played too many games for me not to try this one too."



"Still, after all they had been through together, he understood her more than any other man on earth."

"...even while lovers are striving to be truthful about their feelings to their quarry, they must hold something back for the quarry to hunt in them."