Generosity: An Enhancement

"Freely given and freely received; freely bestowed and freely embraced. This is the way of love. For love never forces itself upon another, nor obligates another to accept what love gives. And love gives hopeful that the gift will be received and appreciated, but with no thought or expectation of getting something in return."

(For K, who was stuck on having to buy Christmas gifts.)

Well, it's officially Winter here, and my poor car has survived its first-ever winter weather accident. Unemployment is less than a week away, but we who were left behind have heavily medicated ourselves with baked goods and mirth.

The winter holidays are traditionally a time of generosity. The giving of gifts to family and friends, and the sharing of wealth and self with those less fortunate, can add meaning and pleasure to the holidays. But as with so many things that have become ritualized, something that is expected is never quite as pleasurable as something that is spontaneous.

The phrase 'freely given' has come to my mind several times this holiday season. I had thought that phrase to be pagan in origin, but googling it produces results that are largely Christian in context. The origin of the phrase is perhaps less important than the idea it conveys - there is something better about, if not critical to, the notion of giving when the giving is done without the expectation of something in return.

Too often acts of generosity come with the expectation of a reward of some kind: recognition, or reciprocation in kind. We have Christmas gift exchanges where we set limits on what can be given so that no one feels cheated by the exchange, and perhaps also so that no one feels overly prideful about the exchange. We stress equality because we do not give and receive freely.

There is perhaps no more incompatible worldview for the future of humanism than the one that treats everything as a potential medium of exchange. Human beings revolt at the idea that certain things can/should be bought, sold, or traded instead of freely given. That response may be irrational in light of evidence that anything really can be bought, sold, or traded, but it is fundamentally human to want to give. Spontaneously doing/giving something to make another person happy or in response to a genuine need feels good. Why should this be?

Why do people who donate blood without receiving compensation stop doing so when plans are revealed to charge patients for the freely-donated blood? Why does nothing kill genuine desire like the expectation of having to put out? Why does giving feel better than a commercial exchange? Why does the TSO song Old City Bar always bring tears to my eyes?

Of course the flip side to giving freely is receiving freely, without attempting to 'clear the debt' of the giver's gift. It's difficult, for example, to take a compliment without feeling obligated to return it. As a society we have evolved a whole set of unspoken rules about the expected reciprocity of giving. One of my favorite examples of this unspoken expectation of reciprocity is the persistent idea that "the cost of a wedding gift should equal the the cost of the guest's meal." (That one kept me from going to a wedding once; the bride had been very explicit about how much the dinner was costing.)

Or the third date rule. (sigh)

If there's an enhancement to be made to our notions of 'giving' and 'generosity', let it be that what we give, we give freely, without expectation of something in return. What we have been given, we receive freely, without being put under obligation. It's not always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes you have given so much that you can't help but feel as though you are owed something. But you move from 'giving' to 'trading' only when the terms of the exchange are spelled out before the exchange takes place.

In the absence of such terms, what you have been given is a gift. Take it freely, without obligation.